‘This woman is not my wife, and I am truly sorry for smuggling her into your country’ … Stephen Colbert mocks Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s apology with the help of a younger actress. Photo: Screenshot Johnny Depp and Amber Heard in their ‘heartfelt’ apology video. Photo: Screenshot
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Barnaby Joyce is going to love this.
Stephen Colbert, host of The Late Show, has satirised that excruciating apology from Hollywood couple Johnny Depp and Amber Heard.
In the bizarre clip – likened by some to a “hostage situation” – the stars said they were “truly sorry” for smuggling their dogs, Pistol and Boo, into Australia.
On Monday, Heard was handed a one-month good behaviour bond with no conviction. Instead, she and Depp released a brief video apology.
Deputy Prime Minister Joyce – who, as agriculture minister, threatened to destroy the Yorkshire terriers last year – reviewed Depp’s performance thusly: “Atrocious … even I could have done a little better … do it with gusto, mate.”
Even better than Depp having another crack, of course, is a parody of their efforts.
On his late night program, Colbert asks his audience if they have seen the video. Then he explains the couple could have been jailed for up to ten years for sneaking their dogs into Australia on their private jet.
He had a theory about why their mea culpa was so strange: perhaps some armed kangaroos made them do it.
In his own version, Colbert plays Depp while a younger woman is cast as Heard.
“Australia is a land surrounded by sharks and kangaroos and blooming onions,” she begins.
“Australia is a truly love lady,” Colbert/Depp adds.
“And that goes double for all the angry men who make you do these videos.” (In September, Depp called Joyce “some kind of sweaty, big-gutted man from Australia” at a press conference in Italy.)
Younger woman: “I am truly sorry that on a recent visit to your country, we failed to declare our dogs, Sparkles, Lurch and Colonel Dog Face.”
Colbert: “Nor did we declare my colony of parakeets, whom I rightfully call The Funky bunch. Nor my two 500-pound feral hogs, Niles and Frasier. It was wrong. Even if they are service animals. Which they are not.”
Younger woman: “Australia is a magic upside down land, where the toilets flush backwards.”
Colbert: “I would also like to state: this woman is not my wife, and I am truly sorry for smuggling her into your country. She has not had her shots.”
Younger woman: “Also, I bite.”
At this point, Depp/Colbet honours our “proud island of British degenerates” with a go on a didgeridoo, followed by some of Men at Work’s Down Under.
Comedian Jimmy Kimmel has also addressed the saga on his show.
“This is uncomfortable to watch,” he said.
“Let’s run the rest of it through a Snapchat filter and see if it’s better that way.”
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